Sacrifice, Transition and the Ides of March

I began writing this on the Ides of March. You know the day Julius Caeser was stabbed in the back by his council, and met his demise? Yeah, that day. This is my to-do list pictured above, I’ve been murdering this, and it no longer looks like this. It’s a lot more clean and many goals have been accomplished and wiped away.

This may be one of the last Mr. Martins posts ever. I feel it’s one of the most well-written and overall best—how fitting. It was perfect that my last post contained the song “Growing Apart” by Kendrick Lamar. The words captured in the song have been the internal struggle I’ve had since that post (almost continuously). The tug between growing closer to my craft—more specifically what I want to work on—and the pull of the rest of the world. My responsibilities, obligations, and other things I’m doing that advance my position and skills, but are not directly related to my personal passion and work.

I haven’t had those golden moments associated with working on your own passion projects—the rush of invigoration from progress and new ideas—as of late. It’s all felt like a lot of grey, stress and days blending into one another. In order to advance, I need to keep everything else on my plate moving accordingly (while attempting to make advances of my own), but it all feels like auto-pilot at times.

To be fair, nothing you do that’s a step in the right direction is a waste. But sometimes it can feel that way (i.e. “Forgetting the big picture and making it wallet-sized” (c) K. Lamar). I’m just realizing that I’m in a transition period. Of course that’s what your early 20s are about, making yourself, and setting a foundation for the rest of your adult life and future. 

Before I grow out of this stage—specifically this current rut that I’m in— I may have to sacrifice even more. There’s folks I’ve let grow close to me that I may have to cut off, in order to have more time to handle what I need to. My work is truly my life. My wife. You need to truly embrace something, and let it wash over you, before you own it and it’s the guiding force in your life—before you become truly one with it. I’ve accepted this.

There’s no denying it hurts to have to sacrifice so much. Especially while your peers have a different reality. But fuck it, they’re in the league, you’re not. Everyone has their own path. Learning to be content and at peace with yourself regardless of circumstance, is a big part of learning to love yourself (unconditionally).

It just hurts to have to sacrifice so much for this, y’know? I’ve literally given this my life and all my energy. But if that’s what it takes? So be it. I’m game. Let’s play Russian Roulette, Universe. I see you. Got to lay it all on the line before you can gain. You have to be willing to do so without looking back, if you truly believe in yourself and what you’re doing. Faith.

Originally this post  was going to be titled, “Workinonit!” (all respect to Jay Dee). I was going to outline all the things I’ve been working on since I last posted. I’ve been doing a lot of work (A LOT). I’ve been watching a lot of Mad Men (you can say I’m addicted, currently halfway through almost done with Season 2), and I’ve had some dates and some nightcaps. Workwise, I’ve done some rather impressive things like being published in a magazine for the first time, receiving my first ever freelance check, and some interviews and writing that I’m proud of. However, I’ve been using my accomplishments as a clutch, to defend my complacency when it comes to working on my project. Best believe I’m proud of all the work I’ve done for others, and appreciative for the opportunities I’ve been given. There’s grown men and veterans who can’t do everything I’m doing right now. But I’m capable of more, and that’s not my full potential. So I’m working towards it. No clutches. No clutching onto things for comfort. I need to be fuckin’ uncomfortable, and take some risks to put myself in the position I need to be in.

If this is the last post on this site, so be it. This was a great learning experience, and outlet for some very exciting and tumultuous times. Thank you if you’ve ever enjoyed any of the stories shared here. I’ve done little to promote, but have received eyes and encouragement from people from all walks of life (some who I’ve never met, which is the best feeling). Cheers, and the new project is on it’s way. (I’m workinonit.)

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